"Quanta...like spit in the dust of a baseball field" - Cody

May 12, 2004

Empire Declared, America is a Republic No Longer

In a stunning political move that has both critics and supporters alike whispering in dark corners, President Bush today declared the Imperial State of American Goodness. "The time has come," our President said, "to talk of many things. It won't be easy, but we're going to be strong and assume the position as the One Nation Under God that is able to take charge of the problems in the world, and lead all of God's children to a better life. Except for the damned, they can go straight to hell."

Reactions to the President's announcement on the streets of the Nation's, er, Empire's capital were mixed.

"Who the f**k does this guy think he is?" said one passerby. A man walking the other way heard the question and responded, "Well, it's about time! Someone has to show the world who's boss. Why not him?"

Experts are undecided about the implications of the announcement, but they are in agreement that the occupation of Iraq was the deciding factor that led to Empirization. The President may be trying to create a sense of legitimacy for American rule in the Middle East after the stunning images of prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib outraged people worldwide and raised questions about the integrity of American morality.

When asked if elections would still be held in November, the President responded, "Of course. I respect what the American people have to say." Voter rights groups praised the response, but some skeptics raised their eyebrows at the new tiered voting system being administered by Diebold Election Systems in conjunction with the Justice Department. According to official press releases, everyone is welcome to vote, regardless of whether or not you have registered.

Susan at Diebold.com says, "This new software is our best product offering yet. It will automatically calculate, based on your voting pattern, whether or not you are eligible. No more uncertainty with registration roles, no more wasteful paper ballots, and no more recounts. Our software is certified free of errors, so we couldn't possibly rig the election's outcome. That's our guarantee."

And so a new era of honesty and diplomacy is opened up by America's long hard look into the mirror, and we can put behind us all the rancor of the early 2000's, especially once we expunge all the rational, lovemongering media outlets like Quanta Recognitions.

Posted by cbsisco at May 12, 2004 07:37 PM

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

Posted by: Kristina at May 13, 2004 11:50 PM